Because FS is going to die very soon…

I just read this article : I don’t feel much grief.

Given that situation, what do you think?
If you were the student, do you expect your teacher will sacrifice his life for you?
If you were the teacher, will you?

For both questions, my answer is No.

It’s not due to my personal dissappointment of life that humans are basically individualistic but in fact, regardless of age, social class, gender, and etc etc, everyone’s life is worth the same. Excluding those professions like pilots and steward/stewardess : they have already had an agreement before, and there’s a law that binds it that in emergency, they must prioritize on passengers’ life before theirs (such a noble job, isn’t it?), in order to live, every single day actually, all fights for life.

And if there’s something working beyond that, perhaps it’s love, to make you able to sacrifice  yourself to the one  you love. I never remember I have a teacher who loves me that much (neither do I think I could be a teacher with this great love towards my students). But it won’t change my view on him that he’s not a good and respectful teacher (neither would I think that  I am such a miserable teacher if I were in the position. Maybe I could be your hero of education, but not likely to be your hero of life, I am still a student of life after all).. All life is precious. As long as he’s not bound by that kind of law, one has the rights to decide to whom he would sacrifice his precious life (or even not to). It’s a personal choice.

So when the teacher thought he has made a right decision, I perfectly understand. And after having such a terrible experience with the earthquake, blamed by many people, getting fired, life wasn’t easy. Luckily he already got a new job, I pray for him all the best in his future endeavors.

I’m not supposed to be fired by saying this. Am I?

This blog had gone on hiatus for more than two weeks. You miss it, don’t you? Or you miss me. Or you miss both of us? Oh, never mind.

Life is … ok recently. Neither extraordinary good nor bad things had happened. I guess it’s one of the reasons why there is lack of updates. Because of its ‘ok’ status, I don’t have many things to share. Well, maybe I am just lazy to write. I have my period. I guess.

Randomly put:
1. Hiding in my room on weekends, last week, I managed to finish Heroes season three.

2. PR application has been submitted. I will learn not to be a deadliner anymore. I almost couldn’t make it on time. The result will come out within three months. The time I get a thick envelope, it means it’s approved. Vice versa, if only one piece of paper inside, it means try again. As simple as that.

3. I am still coughing, even worse. Hell!

4. In the bus going to Orchard, I saw a couple of teenagers kissing all the way. My journey was about half an hour. They can be good swimmers. Anyway, is April month of love? February, right?!

5. My French class started this Tuesday. Not bad. I already know how to pronounce ‘Bonsoir’. And other only-few words, of course.

6. I have been late to office around 10-15 minutes for the whole two weeks. Today, I saw a woman mad at the bus, “15 minutes wasted to wait for this stupid bus. And coming the same bus, tailing it.” I wonder why she didn’t come a few minutes faster if she’s really smart. User’s problem. Some more, in the bus, she shouted at other passengers to move inside (the fact is, the bus is already full!). Attitude problem.

7. My friend in Indonesia has bought me Canon 860is. I don’t know when she will be coming here. Patiently waiting. Meanwhile, I say sayonara to my Casio S600 which has been dead a long time ago. It’s still in the Casio headquarter, initially planned to fix it but the price is too expensive so I decided to let it die in peace. After all, I feel I spent much money. *guilty, a bit*

8. At the time Singapore is at orange status because of the swine flu, in the night I went home and told my landlord that I was having fever, she’s so afraid I was infected by it. The next day, some colleagues said they tried to buy surgical masks, but it’s already out of stock. When I was wondering why Singaporeans were so scared about it when not even a single confirmed suspect, one told me, living here, besides we have to be kiasu, we have to be kiasi.

9. Vesak public holiday that falls on this Saturday is moved to Monday, so I have a long weekend and I have many movies to catch up!

These all for now. A biento!

by : Anthony de Mello, SJ

But it’s what all the mystics in the past have been telling us. I’m not saying that “me,” the conditioned-self, will not sometimes fall into its usual patterns. That’s the way we’ve been conditioned. But it raises the question whether it is conceivable to live a life in which you would be so totally alone that you would depend on no one.

We all depend on one another for all kinds of things, don’t we? We depend on the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Interdependence. That’s fine! We set up society this way and we allot different functions to different people for the welfare of everyone, so that we will function better and live more effectively — at least we hope so. But to depend on another psychologically — to depend on another emotionally — what does that imply? It means to depend on another human being for my happiness.

Think about that. Because if you do, the next thing you will be doing, whether you’re aware of it or not, is DEMANDING that other people contribute to your happiness. Then there will be a next step — fear, fear of loss, fear of alienation, fear of rejection, mutual control. Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency. I do not demand that you make me happy; my happiness does not lie in you. If you were to leave me, I will not feel sorry for myself; I enjoy your company immensely, but I do not cling.

I enjoy it on a non-clinging basis. What I really enjoy is not you; it’s something that’s greater than both you and me. It is something that I discovered, a kind of symphony, a kind of orchestra that plays one melody in your presence, but when you depart, the orchestra doesn’t stop. When I meet someone else, it plays another melody, which is also very delightful. And when I’m alone, it continues to play. There’s a great repertoire and it never ceases to play.

That’s what awakening is all about. That’s also why we’re hypnotized, brainwashed, asleep It seems terrifying to ask, but can you be said to love me if you cling to me and will not let me go? If you will not let me be? Can you be said to love me if you need me psychologically or emotionally for your happiness? This flies in the face of the universal teaching of all the scriptures, of all religions, of all the mystics. “How is it that we missed it for so many years?” I say to myself repeatedly “How come I didn’t see it?”

When you read those radical things in the scriptures, you begin to wonder: Is this man crazy? But after a while you begin to think everybody else is crazy. “Unless you hate your father and mother, brothers and sisters, unless you renounce and give up everything you possess, you cannot be my disciple.”

You must drop it all. Not physical renunciation, you understand; that’s easy. When your illusions drop, you’re in touch with reality at last, and believe me, you will never again be lonely, never again. Loneliness is not cured by human company. Loneliness is cured by contact with reality. Oh, I have so much to say about that. Contact with reality, dropping one’s illusions, making contact with the real.

Whatever it is, it has no name. We can only know it by dropping what is unreal. You can only know what aloneness is when you drop your clinging, when you drop your dependency. But the first step toward that is that you see it as desirable. If you don’t see it as desirable, how will you get anywhere near it?

Think of the loneliness that is yours. Would human company ever take it away? It will only serve as a distraction. There’s an emptiness inside, isn’t there? And when the emptiness surfaces, what do you do? You run away, turn on the television, turn on the radio, read a book, search for human company, seek entertainment, seek distraction. Everybody does that. It’s big business nowadays, an organized industry to distract us and entertain us.

H : “… What I find funny is that one of the six rules someone categorized disabled is in mobility context. Do you think when one doesn’t have both legs is he disabled?

(Thinking for a while, some people replied ‘No’).

H : “Based on its definition, mobility is about moving from one point to another point. So those who don’t have any legs but can independently moving from one place to another place - maybe using wheelchair - are still not granted for this.”

(So conclusion?)

H : “That’s why many come to me, complaining that they don’t have legs and insist on being put in that category. Now the question is who can be granted then.”

After a short silence, while I was thinking of ‘Stroke’ or ‘Comma’ patient, suddenly someone shouted, “if he doesn’t have both hands as well!” In a low tone then he added, ‘to push his wheelchair??’

I don’t know whether it also happened in another country or not. Singapore is having a serious problem with its weather. It is sometimes very hot, later it could be raining heavily. Yesterday at night, my window room sounded so noisy because of the strong winds outside. Just today that I know it’s actually a storm. My colleague said that when she passed by the street on her way to the office this morning, many trees had been falling down.

And again, this afternoon, the opposite took place, the sunshine was so strong that my eyes couldn’t stand. Luckily, we found out that there’s a shuttle bus service from Bukit Merah - Anchor Point - Bukit Merah. So all the way going back to the office, it’s full with aircon. A colleague somemore raised her idea to take the shuttle bus from office to another hawker centre at Bukit Merah - two bus stops away from office next time while we used to take a bus. I am glad to know there’s someone beats me being stingy :).

Honestly, I’d rather choose a hot day than a raining one. Wake up in the morning and know that it’s raining has already dropped my will (which is already low) to go to work. It’s a long way of walk, a high chance of getting terribly wet, and getting cold once I arrive — all of them I really hate. Since it’s hard nowadays to predict the weather, it’s a must to have a strong, quite trustful umbrella with you (special note to ‘a lovely young lady’ that ’strong’ does not always equal to ‘expensive’, buy in moderation), not only for the raining time, but also the sunny one. I’m not a sales. I had been going through a few bad experiences with a fragile umbrella and sharing is always a blessing.

Being fooled by the weather, I’ve taken all my medicines for a whole week but this cough is still disturbing me. The rapid change of weather affect many people, not only me. The global warming is perhaps slowly showing us its effect. Be prepared. By? I don’t know. It’s for you to think so later you can tell me. Didn’t I just mention that sharing is a blessing?

Starting on 5th May, I’ll be back as a student again. Yay yay!

Actively talking for five hours today is so tiring especially for someone like me that usually usually produces less than 1000 words per day resulting my cough becomes worse and worse. I really need to see a doctor. Many people already told me to do so after knowing my cough has been few months. I ignored them. Now that I myself feel there’s something really wrong inside my body, I am scared. I am very scared. Health is precious T_T.

Wishing myself spiritful weekdays ahead…

It’s weird. When I was like 15, all I wanted to do was get older. Now I am. I can do anything I want. I can drink, vote, fuck, drive. I’m legally an adult. But I’ve realized two things:

1) I would do anything to go get them years back, and

2) I’ve never felt more alone. I’ve never felt more like a kid in my life.

–Taken from ‘Adulthood’ movie, every of its sentences is so true.–